Humor in Uniform

Three ‘gentlemen’ are seated together on a cross-country plane trip.

After about an hour the first gentleman, by way of breaking the ice, puts down his New York Times and announces –

“My name is Johnathon Smith.” “Lt. General.” “U.S. Army.” “Retired.” “Served in Korea and Vietnam.” “Married.” “Two sons.” “Both Doctors.”

He picks up his paper and continues to read.

About half an hour later, the second gentleman puts down his Washington Post and says,

“Dillard Jones.” “Major General.” “U.S. Air Force.” “Retired.” “Served in Vietnam and Gulf War I.” “Married.” “Two sons.” “Both Lawyers.”

He then picks up his paper and continues to read.

Later on, the third man puts down his Daily Racing Form and grunts,

“Gus Miller.” “Gunnery Sergeant.” “U.S. Marines Corps” “Discharged” “Served in Korea and Vietnam and Gulf War I and Gulf War II.” “NEVER married.” “Two sons, ——– Both Generals!”

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The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.

As they hit the sack for the night, the 1st Sgt said: “Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

The CO said “I see millions of stars.”

1st Sgt.: “And what does that tell you, sir?”

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?”

1st Sgt.: “Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent.”

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During the Vietnam War

During the Vietnam War, a Lieutenant asked a PFC why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. “Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1?”

The PFC replied, “I got my four Sir.”

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Two Men Are Approaching Each Other

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said,

“My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Now, Lucy?

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”

“That was a fine story Lucy.”

Johnny do you have a story to share?

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”

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A 1/22 Soldier

A 1/22 soldier was lying on his air mattress taking a break while setting up a new company area near Kontum.  The company started to come under fire.  The First Sgt hit the ground next to the soldier on his air mattress and heard air coming out of the mattress.

He asked the soldier if he had been hit thinking the air coming out of the mattress was from the incoming fire.  The soldier responded that he was not hit, he had let the air out of the air mattress to get closer to the ground.

True story – submitted by Bill French

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Wait For It

After leaving Vietnam, in March, 1969, I joined the Wisconsin National Guard.  We were called to the riots at the University of Wisconsin.  Afterwards, I was transferred to the battalion staff, in preparation for conducting weapons training.  I was the only Vietnam vet in the battalion.  In those days National Guard units were not called to active duty.  They still had WWII era M-1s and BARs.  They skipped right over the M-14s and went to the M-16.  I conducted the transition training.

At the following two week summer camp, I was assigned to evaluate a rifle company tactical exercise.  Each National Guard battalion was assigned a regular army advisor.  I am standing out in the woods watching this exercise when a regular army full bird colonel and his sergeant major show up.  I informed them of who I was and what I was doing.  I was the only one around with a CIB on my uniform.  The SMAG had this look on his face like he had made a career out of making junior officers look dumb.  (Which isn’t hard to do.)  When he is the colonel’s right-hand man you have to take it.

The SMAG looks at me and says… “Lieutenant, have you considered in this type of terrain to get with your battalion communications platoon and consider field expedient methods of extending the range of your radios by attaching one end of a wire to your radio antennas, and the other end to a T R double E?”

Believe it or not, I asked…”What is a T R double E, sergeant major?”

Wait for it.

The sergeant major responded…”A tree, lieutenant, a tree.”

True story – submitted by John Bobb

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