Jane Fonda, long called Hanoi Jane by anyone who actually remembers the 60’s in anything other than a drugged out haze, has been voted the top American Traitor in an independent news poll.
The results of the poll, which will air on a new reality series to be titled “Sell Out,” had Fonda beating out such other famous people as Benedict Arnold, the Rosenberg’s, and Aldrich Ames.
Retired Colonel Robert C. Flagg of the United States Marine Corps was upset by the news. “Of course Hanoi Jane was a huge traitor and one of the biggest bitches ever born. No one doubts that. Her actions in Vietnam got a lot of our men beaten, tortured, and killed. I’m upset, however, but the use of the word favorite to describe her actions. How can you have a favorite criminal?”
Much of the response to Jane Fonda’s selection for the award, however, was positive.
Members of the Hollywood community came out in support of Ms. Fonda and lauded her on her latest accomplishment. Said one agent, “this is almost as significant as her seven Oscar nominations and two wins. Jane is such an accomplished woman and this just shows the diversity of her talents. I’m ready to wet myself in adoration of her talents and achievements. She’s always been such a huge star, and this is another achievement for her.”
Keith Olbermann of MSNBC (sometimes) stated that “I’m going to have to have this woman in my studio for a one on one, sit down interview. This is just fantastic! When a living legend is voted to something like this over people who have been dead for over 200 years and who appear in all of our history books, it just to shows how great and significant her acts were! I’m honored and humbled just to be able to speak to her.”
President Barack Obama, in congratulating Fonda on her accomplishment said “this is another great American in our history… who has succeeded in her goals and is a model for us to follow in our current wars.” (Note: with the slow moving teleprompter and his stammering speech patterns, it took twenty minutes for him to deliver this sentence.)
Michael Moore said that he plans to film his newest documentary about the sacrifices of this “poor little American girl from humble beginnings who made herself into somebody and triumphed over a bunch of malicious lowlife soldiers of a repressive military and government (even if the war was escalated by JFK).” In a salute to her first Oscar nominated film, and in reference to her Vietnam War actions, he plans to call the movie “They Shoot Babies, Don’t They?”
Jane Fonda could not be reached for comment. A personal secretary said that she was tied up for the next few days. She said that her schedule included shopping at an Ikea store to get some things to decorate caves in Afghanistan. Afterwards, she was supposed to fly to North Korea to assist the son of Kim Jong IL in christening his new yacht.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.